intuitionist

A long time ago, in a fandom far, far away, I wrote a couple fic commentaries. It's been a while! But I had some thoughts about this path where we hold hands together that I wanted to capture before I forget.

Please do read the fic before reading the commentary!

This is a TWS fic, and more specifically it's also canon-compliant idolverse fic. I've been writing kpop fic since 2020--some au and some idolverse--and one evergreen theme of idolverse fic is the tension between idols' public personas and their private selves. With TWS, it's an especially rich theme, because they are early enough in their careers that the facade is pretty thin at times.

It's also a hurt/comfort fic (a first for me!) inspired by Youngjae's recent injury. Very mild hc, as such things go, but like most hc fics, it's about vulnerability. I enjoy fluff, and I write a fair bit of it, but it doesn't necessarily have me itching to write fic commentaries. There's a few more ideas in a story like this one, and I specifcially wanted to explore how  two people who are otherwise pretty guarded get to be vulnerable with each other.

The fic opens with Youngjae realizing he is injured, trying to hide that fact, and being immediately called out by Kyungmin. There's also an early nod to the tension between their public and private lives when Junghwan first shows up.

He looked up at Junghwan for support and found his boyfriend in full leader mode.

TWS is famously a bunch of introverts, but it comes out in various ways. Youngjae is especially reserved. He can be cute and silly and flat-out weird but even in those moments, he doesn't give a lot of himself away (perhaps not even to himself). Shinyu is introverted in a different way. He's very shy with strangers and about certain kinds of attention, but he's also full of feeling and willing to be drawn out by others. It's the burden of leadership that makes his shyness so complex. It definitely shapes the way he operates within the group, and it's an interesting thought experiment to imagine what Shinyu might be like in a group where he didn't need to be the oldest hyung and leader.

Here's where the pairing becomes super interesting to me. We know Youngjae is reserved, but we also know he's repeatedly initiated intimacy with Junghwan: the predebut walk, the bedsharing, the Yesan trip. In turn, Junghwan looks to Youngjae for support in a way that he doesn't with any other member. Junghwan happily jokes around with everyone, dotes on Kyungmin as the maknae, has a closeness with Dohoon that comes from their long shared training period. Nevertheless, he is constantly talking about turning to Youngjae specifically for support as leader. So you have two characters who are introverted in different ways but who have this private connection that we just get to see hints of...this is basically catnip to me.

Anyway, in the fic, Youngjae is sent to the hospital to see a doctor. Junghwan comes along, and again there's this careful, practiced negotiation of private and public interactions, like the little side drama of whether the staff can be in the hospital room.

She peered doubtfully at all the Pledis staff who had followed her in, phones in hand. “Do you want all these people here?”

“It would probably help to have a translator,” Youngjae said diplomatically. The other staff looked at him pleadingly, no doubt thinking of all the work they were going to have to redo. “One of the managers can stay, too.”

“Your Japanese is pretty good,” the doctor said brightly, while the rest of the staff shuffled back out of the room. When the door closed behind the last one, she said, “That’s better, eh?”

Throughout the fic Youngjae's hyperaware of when and how Junghwan is touching him, and his reciprocation is equally conscious. This is an established relationship fic, and the implication is that they've been sexually intimate, but physical contact isn't just sexual, even between lovers. As idols, they do work that is demanding in a way that probably makes them constantly aware of their bodies, but they also both seem like people who can get a little lost in their heads, so physical touch is also something grounding and centering to them. There's also the way that being sick or injured tends to make you more aware of your physical state in general, and that's something that Youngjae is experiencing here.

They return to their hotel, and once they are in their room, we see the first wholly unguarded moment between them.

Junghwan used his phone to unlock the door. The indicator flashed green, and they stepped inside, letting the heavy door swing closed behind them. The hotel room was pitch black except for the city lights visible through the sheer curtains, and as soon as the door clicked shut, Junghwan drew Youngjae fully into his arms. Youngjae leaned into Junghwan’s strength and let himself really breathe for the first time in too many hours. Their onstage hug during their showcase—oide, Youngjae—felt like three lifetimes ago, not just a few hours.

This scene is partly inspired by my conviction that Junghwan would be a good hugger (he seems naturally cuddly!). I also wanted that callback to that stage interaction, plus this sense of a relationship built in these stolen moments of privacy which would be pretty rare for them. Even something like shared hotel room or their bedroom back at the TWS dorm is constantly being lovingly invaded by their members. That's exactly what happens here.

The members come by with food, and there's the gentle reversal of caretaking, since we know that Youngjae generally plays that role in the group. Eventually Junghwan shooes the others out, and there's my favorite moment in the fic:

“Not if our performance director beats him to it. Here, turn a bit, and I’ll help you get your shoes off.”

Youngjae was tempted to remind Junghwan that it was a toe injury, not a finger injury, but it was easier to just cooperate with the request. Junghwan knelt down on the carpet of the hotel room so he could unpick the double knots in Youngjae’s laces and ease off his sneakers, being especially careful with his injured foot. “It’s really just the one toe that hurts? None of the others?”

“They’re totally fine,” Youngjae said, wiggling the toes of his uninjured foot to prove his point.

Junghwan’s hand was warm around Youngae’s ankle. It was a grounding touch that demanded nothing. It was entirely different from the way Junghwan had touched Youngjae’s legs two nights earlier, after their duo live. Youngjae had been wearing his black shorts, and Junghwan had taken full advantage of the opportunity to explore all that exposed skin. Just the memory made Youngjae’s cheeks flush.

Youngjae reached out now to cup Junghwan’s cheek. “I’ll tell you if anything changes.” Junghwan leaned into the simple contact, the way he always did, so Youngjae carded his fingers through Junghwan’s hair, even though it was still tacky with hairspray, until Junghwan’s shoulders relaxed a bit.

“I don’t like it when you’re hurt. I should have realized something was bothering you earlier.”

Sometimes when I write a fic, it starts with a certain moment in the story in my head. For this fic, it was the mental image of Youngjae sitting in a chair, and Junghwan kneeling on the floor with his head in Youngjae's lap. Obviously it evolved a bit in the actual writing, but the sentiment remained the same: a moment of closeness, mutual vulnerability, and care.

The fic wraps with them getting ready to sleep. I made a deliberate choice to take a scenario that in fic typically leads to smut (the shared shower) and have it be emotionally intimate in a non-sexual way.

And true to his word, Junghwan didn’t start anything as they stood together under the showerhead, letting the hot water beat down on them. Instead Junghwan meticulously shampooed all the product out of Youngjae’s hair, before they switched places so Youngjae could do the same for him. Then Junghwan loaded up a washcloth with cleanser and rubbed Youngjae’s back until the last of the tension of the day finally dissipated, swirling down the drain with the suds. That was when Youngjae finally let the frustrated tears he’d been suppressing since the hospital seep out, thinking the water would wash them away and no one would know the better. Except once he broke the seal over his feelings, he stopped being able to hold back anything at all, and it wasn’t long before his stealthy tears turned into gasping sobs. Maybe Junghwan had expected the breakdown. He didn’t seem a bit surprised as he held Youngjae close until his breathing had steadied again.

Of course the fic ends with their canonical ritual good night exchange. We know that it's important to Junghwan (he can't stop talking about it, lol) and maybe Youngjae's a little bemused and a lot fond as he reciprocates.

Some other thoughts on process and style: I basically wrote this fic over two days--thank the holiday weekend for the fact that I had some time and space to do that! I didn't have an outline, but I started with that moment in my head, and thought about what impression I wanted to leave with this pairing. As far as style, I would say that my writing tends to be spare. You won't generally find lush sensory descriptions, but I do think a lot about the precise turn of phrase or cadence of sentence that will create the vibe that I want.

One last observation: Librarian Nancy Pearl has said that readers have possible four doorways into a story. Doorways as in an entry point, the element that draws you in and keeps you reading. The doorways are: plot, character, language, and setting. If you had asked me when I was younger, I would have told you that I was all about character, but I've actually figured out that I'm really (and surprisingly) a setting reader. I love stories that have a sense of time and place. It's less about the actual setting of a story (though I love great fantasy worldbuilding and historical fiction) than having enough of a vibe to offer me a bit of an escape as a reader. In idolverse fic, it might just be the canonical setting of the kpop industry, written very well. Of course, I appreciate the other three doorways as well. But sometimes when I don't love a fic that everyone else loves, I realize it's because it's a story that's resonating with the plot, character, or language readers and leaving me cold as a setting reader.

If you got this far and read this entire spiel, I'd be curious what you think your doorway usually is.